Saw that in an away message tonight. Describes a lot, doesn't it? Pretty much sums up how I have felt nearly every night of the week for the last month.
I haven't posted in a long time, but that is because I am busy, and my stress levels are astronomic. I'm being a very good president to Love Out Loud, but I don't feel like I'm being good anywhere else in my life. I haven't focused on classes. I feel like I am being inattentive to other people because I simply don't have the time to talk. My stress is causing me to be unsympathetic to other people's problems, and I don't like that quality about myself. I haven't even been reading other people's LJs. I haven't had time to follow up on either the boy or the girl, and as a result, I may have lost my chance with both. I am either confused by mixed signals and sudden apathy, don't know how to interrupt a busy life that has little intersection with mine, or just too tired to make the effort after a long day.
My Ex started IMing my again, but I don't want to go into that in detail. I'm mad at him, but we still talk. Actually, sometimes he's the only person I talk to, as no one is around in the evening anymore, except him. I don't know how I feel about my Ex being the only person I can talk to about stuff. If he was this receptive before, I might never have broken up with him. But if he were this receptive before, he would not have been ignoring me for 2 months, so the point is kinda moot.
All I really want to do right now is spend all my time talking with a lover of the non-temporary sort, writing the IS which I absolutely adore, even if I spend a lot of time ignoring it, and thinking about what I'm going to do with my future. I haven't even had time to look for colleges or study for the GRE, even though I know from my summer research that I'm going to have to turn in my paperwork by early January in order to get a librarianship.
That's not everything, not by a long shot. To put it more concisely, I'm having a hard time reconciling what I see to be my responsibility with what is going to make me happy. I think I have resolved, no matter what happens in the future, to never again take up a leadership position in an activist group once I graduate from Hanover.
