From euphoric giddieness to self doubt.
Saw that in an away message tonight. Describes a lot, doesn't it? Pretty much sums up how I have felt nearly every night of the week for the last month.
I haven't posted in a long time, but that is because I am busy, and my stress levels are astronomic. I'm being a very good president to Love Out Loud, but I don't feel like I'm being good anywhere else in my life. I haven't focused on classes. I feel like I am being inattentive to other people because I simply don't have the time to talk. My stress is causing me to be unsympathetic to other people's problems, and I don't like that quality about myself. I haven't even been reading other people's LJs. I haven't had time to follow up on either the boy or the girl, and as a result, I may have lost my chance with both. I am either confused by mixed signals and sudden apathy, don't know how to interrupt a busy life that has little intersection with mine, or just too tired to make the effort after a long day.
My Ex started IMing my again, but I don't want to go into that in detail. I'm mad at him, but we still talk. Actually, sometimes he's the only person I talk to, as no one is around in the evening anymore, except him. I don't know how I feel about my Ex being the only person I can talk to about stuff. If he was this receptive before, I might never have broken up with him. But if he were this receptive before, he would not have been ignoring me for 2 months, so the point is kinda moot.
All I really want to do right now is spend all my time talking with a lover of the non-temporary sort, writing the IS which I absolutely adore, even if I spend a lot of time ignoring it, and thinking about what I'm going to do with my future. I haven't even had time to look for colleges or study for the GRE, even though I know from my summer research that I'm going to have to turn in my paperwork by early January in order to get a librarianship.
That's not everything, not by a long shot. To put it more concisely, I'm having a hard time reconciling what I see to be my responsibility with what is going to make me happy. I think I have resolved, no matter what happens in the future, to never again take up a leadership position in an activist group once I graduate from Hanover.
I haven't posted in a long time, but that is because I am busy, and my stress levels are astronomic. I'm being a very good president to Love Out Loud, but I don't feel like I'm being good anywhere else in my life. I haven't focused on classes. I feel like I am being inattentive to other people because I simply don't have the time to talk. My stress is causing me to be unsympathetic to other people's problems, and I don't like that quality about myself. I haven't even been reading other people's LJs. I haven't had time to follow up on either the boy or the girl, and as a result, I may have lost my chance with both. I am either confused by mixed signals and sudden apathy, don't know how to interrupt a busy life that has little intersection with mine, or just too tired to make the effort after a long day.
My Ex started IMing my again, but I don't want to go into that in detail. I'm mad at him, but we still talk. Actually, sometimes he's the only person I talk to, as no one is around in the evening anymore, except him. I don't know how I feel about my Ex being the only person I can talk to about stuff. If he was this receptive before, I might never have broken up with him. But if he were this receptive before, he would not have been ignoring me for 2 months, so the point is kinda moot.
All I really want to do right now is spend all my time talking with a lover of the non-temporary sort, writing the IS which I absolutely adore, even if I spend a lot of time ignoring it, and thinking about what I'm going to do with my future. I haven't even had time to look for colleges or study for the GRE, even though I know from my summer research that I'm going to have to turn in my paperwork by early January in order to get a librarianship.
That's not everything, not by a long shot. To put it more concisely, I'm having a hard time reconciling what I see to be my responsibility with what is going to make me happy. I think I have resolved, no matter what happens in the future, to never again take up a leadership position in an activist group once I graduate from Hanover.
posted by Ellie at 9:48 PM
4 Comments:
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Rod
Damn straight. Not that I'm much of an activist - but I didn't do ANYTHING at CUA last year - no extra curricular activities besides working - and it was nice, I can tell you. Just to be able to hang out with your friends and not have to worry about coordinating anything or calling anyone or writing budgets or anything. I'll probably do all of it again someday, but as much time as I threw into CSO and stupid Mortar Board at HC, I can't say I missed any of it when I left.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}} Ellie!!!!!! I sort of understand, and it sucks, and yeah. It's hard to reconcile responsibilities with happiness. Writing in my blog really makes me happy, and it was one major thing that kept me sane while I worked at RSVP. Now I don't have as much time for it, even though I work fewer hours, because with E's computer broken, all our games are on this one. *shaking my head* And then there's dealing with my mom's issues.... *sigh* It gets crazy. I have to go on record as saying that I do miss real activism, and I know I'll get back into it someday. I hope things haven't gone terribly awry with either the boy or the girl. :-/ And I also hope you get to spend more time with your IS--I really liked mine, too. It is hard to find time for writing in the midst of everything else. {{{{hugs}}}}
Peace,
Jenny
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